Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”