Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
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Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Pretty much! 😂👀
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Breaking news:
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that