[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
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SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
is nasa ok
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is