A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!