A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
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The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.