Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
You Might Also Like
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.