My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Does it…does it take 3 days
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Body by cheese-puffs.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.