stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
You Might Also Like
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad