BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
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*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
🤣
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension