this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time