If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.