[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Worth a try
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
#dalle2
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?