My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Sniffing the broccoli
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind