[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*