[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
BRAKING NEWS!!
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Guy who likes music
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Note to self: I am a note
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.