Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
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Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.