I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.