I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
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Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back