Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Worst bar ever.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside