friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Not messing around
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?