2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
You Might Also Like
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one