Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head