In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic