For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish