Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
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Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I have a black belt in leather