A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok