me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
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It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Welcome
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
wut hotdog?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]