Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Baking is just science you can eat.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.