You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.