If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
How does one answer this?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
*puts cutlery down*
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no