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Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It鈥檚 been comedy and chaos ever since 馃槀.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn鈥檛 get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me: I don鈥檛 want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you鈥檙e back early
jeff bezos: moon鈥檚 unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon鈥檚 unionized
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I’m not lazy
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don鈥檛 fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you鈥檒l probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I鈥檒l just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn鈥檛 share, but still…
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…