‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
uh oh
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.