I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
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When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”