Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Welcome
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded