omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Me as a therapist: omg same
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER