I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons