Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?