ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
You Might Also Like
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“no gods no masters” = leo
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
whenever i wake up before my alarm
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job