My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
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Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Dead sexy!!
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed