You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
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Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Come back with a warrant
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.