Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You Might Also Like
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-