Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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Morningbreath
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Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing