[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
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the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
doing your own taxes
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?