I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.