I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.