It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
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Waiting for the Charmin
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON