I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
hmmm
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.