I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended