Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.