If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
hey, alexa
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
me and my fake scenarios
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
love pickles so much i put myself in one